My Letter to you

You have let me down! I relied on you, when I shouldnt have done! I lost my best friends, when I was with you. I always chose you, always. I knew they werent right for me. They werent right friends to me, but I am still left without friends. And now im left without out. I want you to know how much it hurts but I can never send this letter. I cant let myself be weak again. It hurts not to be able to be in control of my life. Living my life and be the best I can be, but still be left with nothing. I tried to make it work so hard because I had a dream of me and you, I had a dream that you are the man that will help me and protect me and make me happy. And you have let me down by promising that all of my dreams will come true. But then the reality of who u are has hit me, you are not the man of my dreams, u are not the person who will help, protect and make me happy. You will never understand the way it feels, because you are too selfish. Your letter to me was all about you, everything in our relationship has always been about you. I lived in this fantasy world where you are the one but in reality you couldnt make me happy because u werent trying. And I hate you for that. I hate that you have said all these things to me back then on that bench near my parent's house. I hate you for loving me so much and making it so hard for me to let you go all the way throughout our relationship. Your love to me was also a fantasy, because you knew you couldn't make me happy, you just loved me as a picture or maybe as another fantasy I suppose.

I hate the fact that it still hurts, and that Im still alone. Every friend that I have just turns out to be away from me. Every person that I love is away from me. And you are one of them. I still dont really know if I loved you, or if I loved how much you loved me and that what kept it all going for all of these 3 long years. Im so unhappy and it hurts. I just wished that you would of realised that you cant make me happy a long time ago and didnt promise me the world. Back then when you were begging me to come back to you, you said that even if I contact you 10 years later you would still be with me, I contacted you less then a year later and you replied with the most bitter and patronizing letter. Dont get me wrong I dont expect you to feel the same you did it back then, but it just proves to me how unreliable and selfish you are. You just say things to get what you want, rather then saying it with intention of making it happen. I know its silly example with you accepting me after 10 years, but it just perfectly relates to any problem I ever had with you. When u used to snap at me, and then promise that it wont happen again so I wont leave you and then do it again. Because you used to just say it for the effect, as I said just to get what you want. Selfish. And of course the same happened with you moving to Manchester. You said it will happen, but u werent even trying to make it happen. People say to me that u werent a waste of my time, and I know u werent. But you crashed my dreams, you crashed my dreams of being a young mum. Now I can never be a young mum. I'm 23 now, in the best case scenario I will give birth at 27. In the best case scenario.... I always wanted to start my family very young and it will not happen now, because you were too selfish and I was too weak and hopeful.

The email that I wrote to you trying to explain it was rushed and I struggled to explain my feelings properly. I was too hurt that you were with somebody else. Very clishe, when your ex emails you when she finds out that you have somebody else, I know. But it hurt me to know that you are happy and I wasnt. I would want you to read this letter, because it does explain how I feel which was a purpose of the first email that I sent to you. However, I am not that selfish to send this to you.

I just hope that these years of my young life of being unhappy will be worth in the long run. And the universe is just 'testing' me out in the preparation of my future happy life.






Ja postojanno dumaju chto ja odna! Mne uze 22, i ja sovsem odna. Pokrainej mere, ja chustvuju sebja ochenj odinokoi. I mne sovsem ne plachetsja, ja neznaju chto so mnoi no ja sovsem ne plachu.

Mne uze legche bitj odnoi, no vsjo ravno ne plachetsja. Ja bojusj
Ja bojusj chto ostanusj odna, ja bojusj chto u menja nechego ne vijdet

Ja ochenj bojusj!

Ja terjaju sebja

Ja ne ponimaju chto proisxodit
mne strashno



In my life I was lucky enough to be loved at very young age, I was very and dearly loved when I was 20. He loved me like Im scared no one will ever love me.
He adored the way I walk, he adored the way I eat, the way I smell, talk or laugh.
He loved the colour of my eyes, the lenght of my hair, size of my legs, even my imperfections just for him was just perfections. I honestly dont know what he didnt love about me, maybe cigarattes just because cigarettes could potentially make me live less.
He loved me enough to tell me that he would marry me, he would happy for our kids to look like me,he loved me as much as one boy could love a girl. It scared me but I also loved to be loved.

I hope he will love someone as much as he loved me again, and maybe a little bit more if its physically possible. I hope his kids will as cute as our kids could be. I hope his wife will be sweet and good cook, but mostly I hope that his wife will love him with all of her heart becuase he deserves to be loved so much.


how do i start from the beginning?
how do i start to believe that im beautiful like he used to say?
how do i start to make up early in the morning again?
how do i start making effort?
how do i get rid of memories?
how do i get rid of thought about how guilty i am?
how do i find person who will answer all of these questions?
how do i start to cry normally again?

If someone knows a doctor who can make me feel better let me know...


2 years gone

he said he would fight for her
silly boy,
he said all he ever wanted was her
but was she enough?

did he want her with all her nerves, and her grumpy face in the morning? did he want her with tears for no reason? did he want her with her smell of cigarets? did he want her with her dreams and her mistakes? did he want her with her friends that never liked him? did he want her with her funny accent? did he want her with her fucked up sleeping pattern? did he want her with her stupid obsessions? did he want her when she was far away? did he want her when she compains? did he want her with her money problems... did he?

She wanted him with his silly sense of homour! she always wanted him with his funny teeth! she wanted him with his music on full blast for hours! she wanted him with his undecisive character!

but I guess he wasnt enough for her and she was too much for him.


мурашки по телу от мыслeй, слезы 5 раз в день
скорость / кино / смех / секс
большего не надо, ей большего не надо

не любви, не цветов, не сладких слов
это смешно, это глупо
а зачем?
любовь это чушь - говорила она
была не верна

не верила, не доверяла под одним одеялом
без мыслей, и объяснений
она не любила
совсем его не любила

он смотрел eй в глаза
говорил не нужна
её наглость, лож и красота
без малейшего смысла

у него через дней сны о ней
не скучай без неё не скучай
babyboy не скучай


He ruined me, completly!


Кто знал что они встретиться в ту ночь
Она танцевала плавно, уже не чувствуя своих стройных ног.
её мало что волновало, лишь его присутствие заставляло сердце биться чаще
Его взгляд заводил её. Он подошёл к ней в плотную.
Она чувствовала его губы прикольно сладкие, его улыбку смешно любимую.
Рука медленно опускалась по её юному телу.
Она не хотела что бы уходил, и забывал
Он целовал её щёки не понимая что происходит.
И делал дуратские и бесмысленые обещания.
Он любил её глаза той ночью, на которые купился с первой встречи
Взахлеб смеялась над его шутками, она не осознавала насколько он её погубит.

Они оба осознавали что только той ночью можно, только один раз их простят
Она много думала о нем, он долго питался забыть о ней
Они еще не раз встретиться, но очередной раз отвернуться
потому что один раз только можно, потому что второй раз не простят.


There is one lad at college and in million year i wouldnt guess that i will write about him here. I never liked him but recently i proper fancy him and i cant help it. He isnt my type AT ALL! but there is something about him that makes me want to kiss him or just lie down with him or just talk to him. Its weird because i hated him last year. Litterally couldnt stand him!
Last night i had a dream about him and it was weird. In the dream he protected me, he had massive muscly arms and big back, and also we were kissing in the dream, it was very passionate. It wasnt the first dream that i saw about him, we have very strange bond between me and him. We always insulting each other but i think we like each other deep inside.


It seems like everything is fine, ive got a job that i was looking for, hopefully i did good on my exams, friends are next to me and i know that i can rely on them. BUT the always something that kills me inside. After 3 months of talking 'why he did this?'..' how his girlfriend reacted on what happened between him and me?'.. 'what i suppose to do next?'
I havent metioned his name to anyone for about week and havent check his profile, and today i thought to look at his photos and see how i will feel. It didnt last long, after fifth photo, i had a funny feeling in the stomach and i closed facebook! mission failed. Ill try again a bit later, maybe after 2 weeks and i hope ill look at his photos and feel nothing!

The funniest part in this story that i cant let it go! and i havent got a clue how he feels about it. This silence from him kills me. On thursday I wil go out and i hope that i will not see him.


seriously i need to get over all this shit that happening in my life at the moment! Im tired! im so tired.


So what if it hurts me?
So what if I break down?
So what if this world just throws me off the edge
My feet run out of ground


It makes me sick how much i like him! i want to stare at his smile for ages! praying every single day that i wont see him because every time i see him i have mental break down deep inside! however everyday im coming home upset because i didnt see him or that nothing in life is do to with him! deep deep inside i want him more than a lot of things but im trying not to think about it because its upsets me even more! Lie to all friends that im not bothered about him, but i can only tell myself how much im bothered! everytime i see him, something inside just clicking and i become a different person! but i want him to know how funny, strong and interesting my personality is!
It makes me sick! All these feelings that i cant expess, makes me want to throw up!
Please someone help me!
Help. me.


Всё вроде хорошо! и я вроде всё забыла! но нет! сам факт что я совсем одна! одна, одна, одна! некому меня целовать, и любить! все говорят если не выкинешь его из головы не придёт кто-то новый! не ни кто забываетстя и не кто не приходит! что делать незнаю! вокруг меня бурлит жизнь, а я как каменная, не пробивная! в голове каша, незнаю чего, чего жду!


Я горю! Я запуталась во всем. У меня бабочки в животе нон-стоп.
Всё не так как я хотела-мечтала.
У меня нет ни единого шанса!
Я для него никто, а он для меня уже так много!
Я скучаю по многим людям.


мне привычней быть такой какая я есть.

иметь в жизни пару людей которым могу отрыть все секреты. быть вечно на своей волне. Долго спать,
бесконечное количество времени тратить для того что бы просыпатся, медленно ходить, долго кушать. улыбаться прохожим и старикам в общественном транспорте. говорить с ацентом даже на родном языке.
хотеть родить мальчика. мечтать. быть кому - то очень нужной. заигривать с мальчиками. всегда с распусчиными волосами. очень рeдко одевать брюки. всегда смеятся, иногда до икоты. любить брата больше всего на свете. ленится бесконечно. завидовать беременным доброй завестью. тихо скучать по кому - то. находить на себе много взглядов. быть иногда невыносимой, вредной, язвой. плакать когда сложно.
долго осознавать что - то очень важно. с холодными руками, и с безумным пульсом.

Трезво понимать что во многом я не такая какой хочу быть.


No more his songs.
Где-то глубоко в душе я понимаю что это всё я сама придумала, но я не могу так легко не думать о нем. Я люблю его уже 3 года. И полгода не видела его, и 8 месяцев не разговаривала с ним.

Первый год я его любила яростно,громко, рассказивая лучший подруги всё в мельчяших подробнастях. Не видя никого вокруг, смотрела ему в рот. В памяти переваривала каждое его слово, движение, взгляд. Думала о нём днём и ночью.
Ждала, любила, мечтала.

Второй год притихла, много плакала, ждала его как безумная. Многое не рассказивала подруги. Стала слушать грустную музыку, завела дневник. После каждого его уезда могла смотреть в одну точку чясами. Врала подруги что забыла, а бывали моменты когда сама в это верила. Потом он опять приежал и я захлёбывалась чуствами к нему.

Третий год я его вижу очень редко. Редко думаю о нём. Совсем не плачу. Я просто тихо одна люблю его, без истерик и слёз, без надежды или каких - то вопросов. Просто люблю. У меня так много достойных молодых людей кто достоин моей любви, но моё сердце стучит частче только рядом с ним. И пока моё сердце не приклонно любит его.


было бы очень круто знать , что ты до сих пор меня и сильно. (с)


Мой безусловный рефлекс
на любое твоё смс:
Большим пальцем нажать
А потом - до упора: Yes.

чёрно-белый портрет