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My Letter to you

You have let me down! I relied on you, when I shouldnt have done! I lost my best friends, when I was with you. I always chose you, always. I knew they werent right for me. They werent right friends to me, but I am still left without friends. And now im left without out. I want you to know how much it hurts but I can never send this letter. I cant let myself be weak again. It hurts not to be able to be in control of my life. Living my life and be the best I can be, but still be left with nothing. I tried to make it work so hard because I had a dream of me and you, I had a dream that you are the man that will help me and protect me and make me happy. And you have let me down by promising that all of my dreams will come true. But then the reality of who u are has hit me, you are not the man of my dreams, u are not the person who will help, protect and make me happy. You will never understand the way it feels, because you are too selfish. Your letter to me was all about you, everything in our relationship has always been about you. I lived in this fantasy world where you are the one but in reality you couldnt make me happy because u werent trying. And I hate you for that. I hate that you have said all these things to me back then on that bench near my parent's house. I hate you for loving me so much and making it so hard for me to let you go all the way throughout our relationship. Your love to me was also a fantasy, because you knew you couldn't make me happy, you just loved me as a picture or maybe as another fantasy I suppose.

I hate the fact that it still hurts, and that Im still alone. Every friend that I have just turns out to be away from me. Every person that I love is away from me. And you are one of them. I still dont really know if I loved you, or if I loved how much you loved me and that what kept it all going for all of these 3 long years. Im so unhappy and it hurts. I just wished that you would of realised that you cant make me happy a long time ago and didnt promise me the world. Back then when you were begging me to come back to you, you said that even if I contact you 10 years later you would still be with me, I contacted you less then a year later and you replied with the most bitter and patronizing letter. Dont get me wrong I dont expect you to feel the same you did it back then, but it just proves to me how unreliable and selfish you are. You just say things to get what you want, rather then saying it with intention of making it happen. I know its silly example with you accepting me after 10 years, but it just perfectly relates to any problem I ever had with you. When u used to snap at me, and then promise that it wont happen again so I wont leave you and then do it again. Because you used to just say it for the effect, as I said just to get what you want. Selfish. And of course the same happened with you moving to Manchester. You said it will happen, but u werent even trying to make it happen. People say to me that u werent a waste of my time, and I know u werent. But you crashed my dreams, you crashed my dreams of being a young mum. Now I can never be a young mum. I'm 23 now, in the best case scenario I will give birth at 27. In the best case scenario.... I always wanted to start my family very young and it will not happen now, because you were too selfish and I was too weak and hopeful.

The email that I wrote to you trying to explain it was rushed and I struggled to explain my feelings properly. I was too hurt that you were with somebody else. Very clishe, when your ex emails you when she finds out that you have somebody else, I know. But it hurt me to know that you are happy and I wasnt. I would want you to read this letter, because it does explain how I feel which was a purpose of the first email that I sent to you. However, I am not that selfish to send this to you.

I just hope that these years of my young life of being unhappy will be worth in the long run. And the universe is just 'testing' me out in the preparation of my future happy life.